"The first time I met Ed was in the county lockup in Tempe, Arizona. The day I'll never forget"--H.I. (Nicolas Cage), in voice-over
"When they was no meat we ate fowl, when there was no fowl we ate crawdad. And when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand."--Cellmate (Sidney Dawson)
"You ate what?"--H.I.
"We ate sand."--Cellmate
"You ate sand?"--H.I.
"So, why do you use the word 'trapped'?"--Prison Counselor
"Huh?"--Prisoner (Ruben Young)
"Why do you say you feel 'trapped' in a man's body?"--Prison Counselor
"Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard."--Prisoner
"You're not just telling us what we want to hear?"--Parole board member #1
"No sir, no way."--H.I.
"Cause we just want to hear the truth."--Parole board member #2
"Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear."--H.I.
"Boy, didn't we just tell you not to do that?"--Parole board member #1
"Okay then."--Parole board member #1
"Me and Dot went in to adopt on account of somethin' went wrong with my semen and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, 'Healthy white baby? Five years? Okay, what else ya got?' Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside...It's a crazy world."--Glen (Sam McMurray)
"Someone oughta sell tickets."--H.I.
"Sure, I'd buy one."--Glen
"...But the doctor explained that her insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase."--H.I., in voice-over
"Ed felt that havin' a critter was the next logical step."--H.I., in voice-over
"So come on down to Unpainted Arizona where you can get the finest selection in fixtures and appointments for your bathroom, bedroom, boudoir. And if you can find lower prices anywhere...my name ain't Nathan Arizona!"--Nathan Arizona (Trey Wilson)
"I think we got the best one."--H.I. to Ed (Holly Hunter), regarding the baby, Nathan Jr.
"He's an angel. He's an angel straight from heaven!"--Ed to H.I.
"You...busted out of jail?"--Ed
"No ma'am, uh...we released ourselves on our own recognizance."--Evelle (William Forsythe)
"What Evelle means to say is, we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us."--Gale (John Goodman)
"Nathan Jr. accepts me for what I am, and I think you better had too. You know honey, I'm OK, you're OK. That there's what it is!"--H.I. to Ed
"Right, you hayseeds, it's a stick-up. Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground."--Gale
"Well, which is it, young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? I mean to say if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop, and if'n I drop, I'm gonna be in motion. Ya see."--Feisty Hayseed (Rusty Lee)
"Okay then."--Feisty Hayseed
"Do these blow into funny shapes and all?"--Evelle
"Well, no...unless round is funny."--Elderly grocer
"Son, you got a panty on your head."--Hayseed in the Pickup (John O'Donnal) to H.I.
"Gimme that baby, you warthog from hell!"--Ed to Leonard Smalls (Randall "Tex" Cobb)
"I'll be taking these Huggies and, uh, whatever cash you got."--H.I.
"It just ain't family life."--Ed
"Well, it ain't Ozzie and Harriet."--H.I.
"Okay then."--spoken by many characters throughout the film