Thor the Conqueror

A mind-bogglingly awful attempt to cash in on the success of Conan the Barbarian, this Italian laugher from director Tonino Ricci (hiding behind the pseudonym "Anthony Richmond") makes even Ator l'Invincibile look good. Luigi Mezzanotte (acting as "Conrad Nichols") stars as Thor, who has an arrow shot through his neck and his parents murdered mere minutes after birth. A wizard named Etna (Christopher Holm) raises the infant to manhood, although he doesn't do a very good job because when Thor is next seen, he is 20 and still doesn't know what a woman is. Nonetheless, he sets off to avenge his parents, mates with a warrior-queen (Maria Romano), and finally faces the barbarian hordes who killed his parents, led by the fearsome Gnut (genre veteran Raf Baldassare acting as "Raf Falcone"). Filled with risible dialogue by Tito Carpi, edited with a hacksaw by the normally reliable Vincenzo Tomassi, and overbearingly scored by Francesco de Masi, this travesty takes mediocrity to an almost epic level. Genre followers will recognize Malisa Longo (credited as "Malisa Lang" and "Marisa Lang" on some prints) from cult favorites Salon Kitty and Un Gatto nel Cervello. Star Mezzanotte was also in the grisly giallo L'Assassino e Ancora Tra Noi, which -- despite its stomach-turning content -- is a far better film.